What to Say When a Guy Wants to See You Again

April 04, 2022 Post a Comment

Non Interested in Dating Someone? But Say So.

Michael S. Sorensen

FYI, I'g non formally educated or licensed as a therapist, counselor, social worker, psychologist, or healthcare professional, though much of what I teach is informed by these. Curious near my groundwork? Read my bio.

As well, I apply chapter links when recommending books or products. These give me a pocket-size commission if you use them to make a purchase, at no additional cost to you lot. Cheers for your support.

I've made it a goal to go out on at least one engagement per week for the by couple of years, and in doing so, have met hundreds of fantastic people. Generally, these are first dates, and only beginning dates. Every once in a while, though, I come across a woman who I'd similar to keep dating. And every once in a while, she ends upwardly feeling the same way and it turns into a keen relationship. (Sweet.)

I also get the occasional woman that I'thou interested in, who doesn't show the same interest in me. (Not so sweet.) And yet, that's dating. I don't become too broken upwardly nearly information technology.

In those instances, however, there is one thing I wish were dissimilar: that people would exist more direct when they're simply not interested.

Walking the line.

Nosotros as men walk a fine line in pursuing women—that of being the confident, manly man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go for it, without becoming the desperate, needy man who can't take a hint.

What makes walking this line so difficult, though, is the fact that some women play hard-to-get in hopes that the man volition pursue her harder, while others play hard-to-get in hopes that the human being volition "become the hint" and leave them solitary!

Run into any problems hither?

Over the years, I've learned to not make assumptions. If I'one thousand getting mixed signals, I'll simply enquire her where she's at. I'll be honest with my hopes (e.1000. "Hey, I bask spending fourth dimension with yous, and would similar to keep getting to know y'all") and requite them an out if they're non feeling the same manner (e.g. "and withal, if yous're not interested, naught difficult feelings. I'd just similar to know where you lot're at.")

When I've had that conversation, some women tell me that they're simply not interested (great—no more guessing), while others admit they are interested, but accept been playing difficult-to-get considering "otherwise, you lot men lose interest!"

What? Okay, sure. There is some psychological something effectually wanting what you lot can't have, but dating is disruptive enough without having to play that game. Can't we just we spare information technology?

Let's be real.

Instead of playing games, or trying to "non injure the other person's feelings," I'm a proponent of kind, genuine honesty. If you'd like to continue dating someone, say then! If non, say so. Don't "ghost" the person (i.east. stop returning their calls or texts) and don't feed them endless excuses if they keep asking you out.

This goes for both men and women.

Now to be off-white, telling someone that y'all're non interested is much easier said than done. I practise non green-eyed women, as they're oft the ones being pursued, and therefore the ones having to effigy out how to permit the guy downwards easy. I've been there before—pursued past women I'yard not interested in—and letting them down is tough. I'chiliad ever tempted to just give excuses or draw it out until they "go the hint."

Simply that's not honest. It's not genuine. And y'all know what? It'south not even kind. Ignoring or fugitive someone when they're clearly interested in you merely prolongs an uncomfortable situation for the both of you. Whatis the kind thing to do? Let them know you're not interested.

But how?

Recently, I had a woman text me afterwards a first date and tell me she'd love to practise something again old. Non wanting to injure her feelings, I was immediately tempted to say "Yeah, that would be fun!"

Merely honestly, I wasn't interested. She was great in then many ways and I truly enjoyed getting to know her that evening, but I had no intention of asking her out again. We simply didn't click.

After giving it some thought, here'south how I responded:

Thanks, and I definitely will. And while I had a swell time this evening (genuinely!), I'm not sure I really meet things working out long term. I enjoyed getting to know you a little better—thank y'all for agreeing to exit!

Simple enough, correct?

She was cool about it. Hither was her response:

I wasn't completely sure, but I had fun enough time talking that I had thought I would give it some other shot. I understand though! Thanks once again!

We wrapped upwards with a piddling more small talk and information technology ended positively.

Honestly, I just keep that response saved on my phone now and tweak it to each state of affairs and then it'due south truthful and respectful. (Tacky? Possibly. I consider information technology efficient. It took me a long fourth dimension to craft that response! You tin utilize it, free of charge.)

Every fourth dimension I reply in this way, I get a positive response, and both of united states of america are able to move on without the uncomfortable guessing, fugitive, or worrying. Every fourth dimension a woman has responded to me in this way, the result is the same. I admire her even more for having the maturity to be directly, and am grateful to be able to move on without whatsoever question.

Concur? Disagree? How practice yous let someone down nicely? Post about it in the comments below.

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33 thoughts on "Not Interested in Dating Someone? Only Say So."

I wish women would accept your advice. Instead they somehow manage to recollect lying and stringing men along is there easy manner out? Shit gets and then old.
That's a peachy response! Totally copying it. My method is telling them "even though you lot're nice and skillful looking, I merely don't call up nosotros're a fit. (I used to say there was no chemistry but accept heard that tin can come off as offensive — as if they aren't sexually bonny. XD
1. Howdy Jeanie,
  
  Correct? And interesting insight on the "chemistry" piece—I hadn't thought of that, simply could come across how it could exist interpreted that mode. Best of luck with the dating!
  
  Michael
2. Agree x infinity!!! I love your response and copied it. I was recently abruptly let become after being strung along. False words and promises. He said all the right things. Ugh! I'thou not so much mad at him as I am at how he did it. I hate lies. Totally wasted my time.
  1. Ugh, I'm so distressing. Dating is rough!
    1. I have a 76 yr quondam man interested in me. I am 72. He knows my young man died i year ago. He keeps flirting with me. I don't desire to hurt his feelings, only I am just not interested.
      1. Hi Pam,
        
        Not an piece of cake situation! My recommendation from the commodity still stands, though—being direct and honest is the *kindest* style to let him downwards.
        
        Michael
  2. Totally agreed with being upfront from offset if there's no interest after trying to go to know someone. In my case, the guy chosen, texted, facetime; morning, noon, and some late nights for well-nigh i-wk 1/two. Immediately ask me out after his BD wknd spent westward/son (?). Anyway, following his BD, he calls next morn left msg. (excuse) for not calling afterward in day as promised, saying we would talk later. Subsequently came, (8hrs) I txt to ask if he could talk. "non correct now, I will band you afterward". Never happened. Side by side day, no early morn call or text. I waited, text to make certain he'southward okay. "thx for request" was response, goose egg more than. Nor did he phone call or txt later. I said, to myself, no worries. Third day subsequently BD, I text gm, he responded 2hrs. later, "GM hru". I text later on, "expert", is everything alright w/yous. 60 minutes later, "I'g ok, thx for asking bs". I said enough is enough. I felt I was wasting my time, or existence strung along for a ride. No official calls. WTF
    I merely text: Glad you're okay. Simply asking, are yous nonetheless interested in mtg for the wknd. Could exist wrong, but I sense a disconnect. 2hrs and counting went by.
    FYI: He told me he broke upwards w/his ex approx. six-mo. prior to mtg me. I'g pretty intuitive. My guts told me they reconciled during his BD, and he does not have nerve to let me down easy, and or wants his block /eat information technology too.
    Thing about information technology I really liked this guy.
    1. Ugh, that'south no fun at all. Another prime example of how being tactful-yet-direct is the kindest affair we tin can exercise to those we interact with.
I've been up front and honest with men to the point where I've really wound upward saying cheers only I'yard not interested to which I'm then attacked by being called really foul names. I'chiliad almost too afraid to fifty-fifty try chatting with men normally I'll say give thanks you for your involvement but I'm just really not interested in going whatever farther and so I'k attacked verbally. Maybe i or 2 out of the men I've said no thanks to take been cool about information technology the others though "scary" doesn't come close to their reactions. Alot is their thinking I'm down for anything which I'grand not i only don't get why men get and then angry for no reason. I'thousand just another woman in a long line of women they've pursued so what gives?
Every bit a women, we are often indirect about these things considering of:
A) fears of male violence – nearly all women have been verbally driveling by women for rejecting them (being chosen a b**** or a due west****, etc.). All women accept heard of instances of women beingness threatened, physically abused or even killed for rejecting men. It'due south but not worth the take chances
B) socialization – peradventure considering of A, women are socialized from a very young age to exist nice and not rock the gunkhole
I never testify involvement in women (even though I may be very interested) because no woman has e'er shown interest in me. I've seen in several places that women usually initiate by giving hints to guys they like. Since I never get any hints from women, I don't bother.
I'1000 not interested in dating at all, merely I do bask talking and socializing. I never flirt, I don't respond to flirting, and I don't atomic number 82 women on. My trouble is they get upset because I won't ask them out. Just I don't feel like I need to give them a reason. No one is entitled to a date with anyone. Brusk of eliminating all social contact with women (a tempting pick), how tin I prevent them from becoming upset with me?
1. I totally understand John. I like my ain space and often tell men that I enjoy company and socializing, only I don't wish for it to go whatever further. I find that being directly up front stops people from expecting it to lead somewhere. I also make it clear to men that they are welcome to sever the friendship if necessary for their own feelings.
  1. Hi Niya,
    
    This is a great approach. Honest, direct, and boundaried. Well washed.
    
    Michael
    1. Hi Michael,
      
      I recently just told the guy I've been dating for a few months that's I didn't experience the relationship was progressing into what I wanted, therefor wanting to move on. I was very nice and respectful. His response was very passive aggressive and feels that sending the message via text was a crime.
      1. Hi Elizabeth,
        
        I'thou sorry you lot're in that state of affairs—it'south never easy catastrophe a relationship. Without knowing the details of the situation, it's tough for me to comment in depth. I will say, though, that catastrophe a relationship over text generally isn't appropriate. My examples in this article pertain to situations where someone has expressed interest in dating, or mayhap going out on a 2nd date, not for times when you're already in a relationship and wanting to break upward. And then my apologies if that was not clear. I'm a large proponent of telephone or in-person conversations for anything that is difficult, sensitive, or emotionally charged.
        
        So if you haven't done so already, you might consider calling him upwardly, validating the fact that breaking upwardly over text wasn't the best idea (eastward.thou. "I'm sorry for sending that text—that'due south non a bully fashion to share something similar this…I wanted to be sure I worded it well, but I realize now that it would have been more than advisable to call," or any feels right to y'all) so hope he is more respectful during your conversation in render.
        
        Just if he lashes out or goes passive-aggressive on yous, you lot exercise not need to sit and accept that. It'due south entirely appropriate to say what you need to say, and then kindly wrap things up: "I'm just not feeling it. Thank you lot for the time we had together and I wish you the best."
        
        Again, my middle goes out to you—I sometimes feel it's harder being the one to end a relationship than being on the receiving end. No fun at all.
        
        Michael
2. Hullo John,
  
  That is a tricky situation, to be sure. You lot absolutely accept every correct to want to build friendships and non take them into the flirting or dating realm. As to how best to communicate that to these women, that would differ from case to case. If you lot'd like to provide a specific example, I'd be happy to suggest some means to approach it. In full general, though, information technology volition exist important to remember that while there are ways to tactfully approach the situation to increase their chances of agreement or respecting your boundaries, they notwithstanding may still choose to have it personally or respond poorly. If they desire yous to ask them out and detect out you aren't interested, they're going to be disappointed. No mode around that. Simply we of course hope they're emotionally healthy plenty to not take that out on you.
  
  Michael
Hello Michael,
Thank you for your mail. I bankrupt up with a human I dated a few months ago. He texts or emails me about every 2 months and the communication problem still hasn't resolved. When I finally chosen to propose nosotros talk in person instead of texting and talking he agreed then at present he's so cold. We broke information technology off because nosotros agreed we were sectional then one twenty-four hour period the a dating app popped up aNd manifestly he was however online. He felt horrible and I said I empathize people make mistakes but I can't forget it. And then when I saw him again he couldn't respond to what he wanted. I asked him over again if I was what he wanted and he said he didn't know. I only don't know what to do. His texts are cold and doesn't even carp to ask how I am doing etc. please advise on how I should respond. I don't like being treated this way if I didn't do anything wrong only love him.
A reminder to the women commenting, this article was written by a homo. It's not simply women who are socialized to be nice, we all are. And while women might fright physical abuse, only retrieve how much men fright psychological abuse that ruins our reputation, our work, our lives, when we reject some women. I'd much rather become a dial in the confront. What I take establish works is that yous must refuse them there and then at the end of the date before they go a sniff. Alternatively, if you are unsure then you say "I really don't encounter this going anywhere only I'm open to a second date." Doing it through text I would feel is more for the person who doesn't accept rejection and keeps on texting. This then is evidence that y'all take written it with respect if the rejected starts getting defamatory.
I've been in a LDR with a very nice guy for 3 months. The more I've gotten to know about him the more I'm not certain this relationship is working for me. Everytime I want to voice that he says how compatible he feels we are and happy he is about things. It's axiomatic that I'1000 anxious and non and so happy anymore. I've been feeling like is at that place something wrong with me that I'yard not comfy anymore ? He'south a skillful guy merely lacking things I feel I personally demand. We haven't spent much fourth dimension in person however. Is it dragging it out to expect on that opportunity or is waiting simply to peradventure interruption up worse ? Thankyou for this postal service !
1. Hello Bearding,
  
  That's a tough 1. I will say, there's cipher wrong with you for not existence interested in someone. That'south why we appointment—to come across if a relationship has staying ability (and to come across if we're willing to put in the piece of work required to make that relationship stay great, because I'm not enlightened of any relationship that just stays amazing without work 😉 ). If you feel the human relationship could benefit from spending more than time in person, and you lot're willing to wait for that, corking! But if non, I would be careful to non let feelings of what yous "should" or "shouldn't" do arrive the style of what your centre tells you.
  
  Michael
Give thanks you! I'm also going to have to save that. The guy I wasn't interested in replied: " All good… Not going to waste my time and yours… Yous take care and proficient luck…" he too mentioned I should accept told him sooner, but tbh I was notwithstanding on the contend.
1. Hi Pamela,
  
  Squeamish work. And I'm happy to hear that guy respond well to it. Thanks for sharing!
  1. Thank you for writing this article. I'grand 52 and haven't dated in 35 years, so this is all new. I have a large center (probably why I'm a instructor) and am ever worried nigh hurting feelings. Specially when they have expressed feelings for me. I even let it continue going thinking I will become more attracted to them somehow. But then it just gets harder to gracefully bow out.
    I googled how to word things, went non interested. Your advice stood out! This dating matter is brutal in my opinion.
    Thank you over again for your wisdom and clarity.
    1. Howdy DeAun,
      
      Thanks for your annotate. And my hat'south off to you for jumping back in; I'thousand sure much has changed in 35 years, and no—dating is never easy!
      
      Michael
I'm 43. A 61 man told me that he likes me. We meet last year when I took my lawnmower in to exist worked on and brought information technology dorsum to him to work on it this year. Trouble is I'm non physically attracted to him. Nosotros talked 2 weeks ago on Sunday in person, which was corking, so silence for two weeks. Today he calls me. He seemed to exist a proficient guy til the silent treatment. I don't know what to do. I feel like he was looking for a wife. Reason I'm saying that is considering I told him I felt like "wedlock is overrated", he'southward been married three times- me twice. I'm not looking to get married again.
1. Hello Anna, I'chiliad sorry you've been on the receiving end of the "ghosting." Not a fun or easy spot to be in at all.
  
  Michael
  1. Michael,
    
    I met a guy (younger than me) a few years back, nosotros went out, I had a good time and it turned in a one night stand up (for me). We spoke a few times and seen each other in passing, but I really wasn't interested. However, periodically he volition come across a mail service of mine on social media and he will reach out, wanting to have sexual practice again. He says, he "really enjoyed the sex, and would similar to see me and that he is not interested in a relationship". I have never taken him upward on the offering, tho. Yet, he continues to text me periodically.
    
    This fourth dimension tho, he has been texting me for about a month, consistently and still just wants sexual activity. I accept told him that I am non interested in merely that, I want a human relationship, (non necessarily with him though), thinking that would get him to become abroad, it didn't. He continues to text, good morning, how are yous, etc.. He's not a bad guy, I am simply not into him.
    
    How do I tell him to stop contacting me without being harsh almost information technology?
    1. Hi Bearding,
      
      Starting time off, kudos to you lot for holding your ground and addressing your needs. Equally to how to respond, information technology obviously depends on the contempo conversation, what your relationship looked like, etc. But in general, you might consider preparing a more last response for the next fourth dimension he reaches out. So if he messages you over again asking for sex, you might say, "No, cheers. As I've mentioned before, I'm not interested in a coincidental relationship. I enjoyed our fourth dimension together *and* I ask that you lot delight not message me once again. Thank you and I wish you all the best."
      
      Michael
Hi Michael – great commodity, only surprising from my perspective. It's been the other way around for me (I'm a 47 twelvemonth sometime woman). I've been dating online pretty actively the last couple of years. I've probably met a dozen or so men and have chatted with more of grade. In some instances it was articulate to me that I did not want to date the guy, and I let them know immediately over text. They responded kindly and appreciatively to me every single time. But more situations involved conversations or dates that were lovely, but the guy did not stay engaged by continuing the conversation over text or setting up another call or date. My read on the state of affairs has typically been that they are not interested enough to stay engaged, but desire to continue my number in case something else doesn't work out. After nigh ane-two weeks of sensing this, I send a nice bulletin like to what you suggest to a higher place and cutting it off. Again, they accept e'er responded kindly and wished me well. I really don't enjoy beingness in that gray area with men that I would consider dating again. I wish they would merely tell me they're not interested. Or should I perchance keep these doors open up in instance something does work out? I don't get emotional about these situations, only I admittedly don't like the idea of the guy wanting to keep me around "only in case". Whatever communication?
1. Hi Suzanne,
  
  Information technology sounds like the situation you've described is what I speak to in the article – how hard it is being the one interested in someone, but getting mixed signals in return. They don't keep the conversations flowing, they are always "busy" when you lot enquire to practice something, etc. In those instances, I found myself wishing the other person would only tell me they weren't interested rather than exit me guessing. Candor is kind!
  
  Michael
I'thousand a woman and get this from men all the time. It'due south so infuriating considering I am quite direct, always in a polite way, and all I want is to know where I stand with someone. Also many times I take had endless text 'situationships' with men where they seem very engaged but never actually enquire you out to meet. You tin can't write them off nonetheless but it'due south a dissatisfying situation. Then and then I ask them out (this is usually at well-nigh the date #3 mark) and it'due south a vague response that is frequently even so unclear. Honestly, why tin can't anyone just be upfront anymore. Particularly when we're all communicating via letters these days anyway, how scary tin it perchance be to just say 'look, I had a great time, it was lovely to meet yous, but I just didn't feel the chemistry i'd hoped for' or something?… Anything. Just be upfront as soon every bit possible. Life is too short to be stringing people forth and sadly when y'all are on the receiving cease of this behavior over and over over again yous become jaded and reluctant to go involved with anyone.